So I'll wax silly about it completely another time, and I'm remaking elfLand(.me) ... again.
In short, the Drupal Upgrade Path (psychotic hell) led me astray and there was then much borken. At the end of this path, I wiped All Drupal 8, the Drupal 9 install that wouldn't recognize MariaDB so that lasted about eight seconds, various versions of Composer, and Drush (seriously, what the fuck is that shit after Drupal 8.4?).
I went back to Drupal 7, and all of the fiddly bits that gave me a Nice Fucking WorkFlow, because, you know, not pulling my hair out is important to me for some reason.
So, here we go again.